To be honest about everything, Jesus scares the crap out of me. I mean the main thing behind following Jesus is dying to myself and living the live that He calls me to. Dying to yourself is such a huge task. It means taking everything I have, everything I want in life, and scraping it all for the hopes of something better.
I have a dream life. We all do. I want to have a wife, kids, a dog, the works. What if Jesus wants me to be single? No kids, no dog, no home. no white picket fence. Shoot, maybe even no regular job. This seems like my life would almost be a failure, and it could, if God calls me to other things.
I think God calls people to make money (to spend for the purpose of others), to have wives, kids, and throw barbeques and the what not, and I would love that calling. In fact lately I’ve realized that I want these things so bad I haven’t even been consulting God on whether he wants me to have them or not.
Following Jesus even gets scarier than not having the stuff you want. He can tell you to do things that would be considered freakin’ nuts by others. What if God calls me to move to the projects in NYC and try to love gang members, but not just one gang, all the rival gangs. That’s dangerous. One of my best friends is called to the Middle East to help the underground church there, where it is illegal to follow Jesus. That’s nuts. But he trusts God’s plan. I want to do that.
But I hold back. If I really wanted to seek God’s will for my life it would be more than a passing thought. It would be consuming my mind, and my actions. I would pray a lot, fast a lot, talk to others, read the Bible and spend time listening, waiting for God to give me that bit of information. But I don’t. I’m too scared.
What if I am called to death? Or to be tortured? Or to be homeless to love the homeless? Where did my American dream go? I guess that will have to die with me, because I am intent on letting Jesus live my life for me. He’s better at it.