Apparently Missed It.

So I submitted a blog article to Relevant Magazine’s website a while back. It made it into the God section on April 3rd. I just found out about it being posted today from Brandon.

Here it is.

PS. You’ve already read it.

Again?

            I need your help.

            I’ve reflected on college and wishing that I could do it all over again with a major that I enjoy, leading to a career I’d enjoy. I’m debating not letting that chance get away. I’ve done the course math and I could take four classes this summer, six in the fall, six in the spring, and then five the following fall and graduate with another major (on top of my English one) in December of 2009.

            I’m really debating it. I’m going to be praying about it. I would love for you to be praying about it as well. Also leave your opinions. Is about $20,000 of debt and an extra year of school worth it? Let me know. Comment.

Mistakes and Moving Forward.

            One of the lesser pleasures of life is this: coming to the end of something and realizing that you messed up, that you messed around. It happens to me too much, and I need to learn from regret.

            If I were able to do college all over again I would do so with out a thought, and I would do so entirely differently. I would not major in English. I would major in something in the Journalism school, or perhaps Art Studio. I wish that I would have enjoyed my classes and enjoyed learning.

            I think that one of the reasons I haven’t enjoyed school is because I’ve made it about a degree. I took classes because I was supposed to take them and not because I wanted to learn the knowledge and principles they offered. I regret this. I am going to leave college barely smarter (if at all) than when I got here, all because I didn’t make college about learning.

            Apart from that I’ve done college very selfishly. My parents made sacrifices to try to insure that I did not graduate college in debt, but I fear that may not be the case. I have taken a generous gift in an entirely ungrateful way, and I owe them an apology. They’ve paid for food, rent, three summer school classes (to keep my scholarships) and leftover tuition.

            The problem is that I viewed all of this as something that was owed to me. My parents had to pay for tuition, car insurance, food, rent, books, etc. because they were my parents. They didn’t have to. They did because they wanted to help me. Instead of appreciating their generosity I have undermined it, goofing off and not doing the work I should have been. So when it comes down to it I let them down. I didn’t respect the gifts that they were giving me, and now I’ll probably be losing them.

            In all this I think that it will be good for me in the long run. I will try to appreciate things that are given to me. I won’t view things as owed to me. If I can get a loan I will take school more seriously (if only I had done this earlier). A semester off working would hopefully teach me to have a work ethic and me to be fiscally responsible. Working at school/jobs/etc should be a joy because God has blessed me with opportunity, something that not a lot of people get.

            For taking everything lightly I apologize, to my parents, and to God, who has blessed me with everything (including my parents) and me not taking it like I should have. I’m sorry.

Jesus scares me. Literally.

            To be honest about everything, Jesus scares the crap out of me. I mean the main thing behind following Jesus is dying to myself and living the live that He calls me to. Dying to yourself is such a huge task. It means taking everything I have, everything I want in life, and scraping it all for the hopes of something better.

            I have a dream life. We all do. I want to have a wife, kids, a dog, the works. What if Jesus wants me to be single? No kids, no dog, no home. no white picket fence. Shoot, maybe even no regular job. This seems like my life would almost be a failure, and it could, if God calls me to other things.

            I think God calls people to make money (to spend for the purpose of others), to have wives, kids, and throw barbeques and the what not, and I would love that calling. In fact lately I’ve realized that I want these things so bad I haven’t even been consulting God on whether he wants me to have them or not.

            Following Jesus even gets scarier than not having the stuff you want. He can tell you to do things that would be considered freakin’ nuts by others. What if God calls me to move to the projects in NYC and try to love gang members, but not just one gang, all the rival gangs. That’s dangerous. One of my best friends is called to the Middle East to help the underground church there, where it is illegal to follow Jesus. That’s nuts. But he trusts God’s plan. I want to do that.

            But I hold back. If I really wanted to seek God’s will for my life it would be more than a passing thought. It would be consuming my mind, and my actions. I would pray a lot, fast a lot, talk to others, read the Bible and spend time listening, waiting for God to give me that bit of information. But I don’t. I’m too scared.

            What if I am called to death? Or to be tortured? Or to be homeless to love the homeless? Where did my American dream go? I guess that will have to die with me, because I am intent on letting Jesus live my life for me. He’s better at it.

Less naps, more coffee.

Heck Ya.

Money in the Bank. Shorty what ya’ drank.

Who wants to come see me at work? 

Discouraged.

            It’s weird to think of the future at this point in my life. So much is conditional right now. Whether I graduate in December or May. Go to graduate school or not. Where I would go to graduate school and what I would do there. When I’m going to move to Seattle. It’s all so dependent on different choices that it is hard to plan ahead. The more I think about it the sooner I think I’ll be moving.

            The latest I’m feeling is this. Graduating in December, no graduate school, save up $5000+ and jet to Washington. All this is dependent on what God wants or not. I may need to chill in Columbia for a while to finish what God has me doing here first, but the more I think about it the less doubt I have about Seattle. I recently found out one of my friends is thinking about going out there too, so it’ll be nice to have at least one friend.

            So I got really discouraged Friday night after getting back from Chicago. I think I should get an award or something for being the only person to ever come back from a mission trip discouraged. Kidding. It is weird because I was talking with a friend and she was like “Oh, no big deal,” about it all and to most people it wouldn’t be.

            What’s weird is that what is no big deal to other people is becoming a big deal to me. What happened on the trip was that I was the leader of a group. Normally problems with me leading would be something along the line of me liking to be lazy. So thank God that I’m not as lazy as I used to be (though I still am some L).

            The problem was that I didn’t lead people positively. I didn’t push them to see Jesus more or challenge their way of thinking with a Kingdom way of thinking. I lacked on that. Jon mentioned it to me when we got back and it freakin wrecked me. Like more wrecked than I’ve ever been as far as I can remember. I’m not used to not doing something good and sucking than doing something bad and sucking. I found out I can’t deal with making other people worse off than they were when they came in contact with me.

            So for the first time I can remember from being a kid, I cried last night. I mean that is mildly ridiculous. Even for as long as I’ve known of grace it is still hard for me to grasp. But thank God it is there. I woke up with this song lyric in my head, “A thousand times I’ve failed, still your mercy remains. And should I stumble again, I’m caught in Your grace.” I don’t understand why. God has so many reasons to dump me off forever, but he doesn’t. I’m OK with that. It’s amazing.

            There is a line somewhere between thinking you are too good and thinking you are too terrible. I’m trying to get back there now. I’m probably on the thinking I’m too terrible side right now, but there is something to be learned here right now I think.

Quick Update.

-       Chicago was a good time. I enjoyed hanging out with the people on my team a lot.

-       I actually maintained a sleep schedule on the trip. I went to bed between 10:30 and 11 every night (except the last night) and woke up at 8 to read and pray.

-       I also was crazy diligent with my money. I spent money only when I had to (planned meals) and one other time, getting cheesecake at the Cheesecake factory. I wish I was this diligent at home.

-       I’m thankful for Jeff Hsiang because he was our driver who is awesome and didn’t get us killed.

-       This may have been my last spring break trip ever. There is a good chance of me graduating in December, in which case I will hopefully have a job by next March.

-       I need to get better at focusing myself (and others around me) on Jesus. I can get swept away in fun moments and never get back to Him.

-       Now that I am back it is back to the real world. I have a paper due on Tuesday, along with having to read an entire book, and learn some Spanish. I will also be working Saturday lunch and Sunday lunch at Chili’s (on Harbison) so come in and tip me.

-       I realized on the ride home that I forgot to do LifeGroup stuff last week. Sorry Bailey. I’ll do it.

Chicago Day 1 and 2

                        

 So far Midtown’s SB ’08 Chicago trip has decided to ignore the fact that we tried to plan it. There was a lead team that was supposed to come up 12ish hours ahead of us, and they ended up getting there an hour and a half earlier. They like spun out 720˚ and ended in a ditch once. Then later they had a tire explode on the trailer they were hauling so they had to ditch the trailer in Kentucky, then rent a UHaul and finish the drive. I’m glad I wasn’t in the lead team car.

            My group woke up in the car for good after lunch for the most part. I ended up being in the front seat for a good portion, which the front two seats in my opinion have like a wall behind them for the most part, but it was still a decent time. From dinner to Chicago we had a three hour sing a-long which included songs from Everclear, Blink 182, Kelly Clarkson, Ludacris, and the Spice Girls.

            Today we were supposed to go to Hyde Park Vineyard for church. Our directions ended up taking us to Hyde Park Union Church, so we just went there. The main sermon was based of a blasphemous quote from Martin Scorsese’s The Last Temptation of Christ. Hooray. We ended up going to meet Rand (our contact at Hyde Park Vineyard and their pastor) after we found out where we really were supposed to go. Rand is nice.

We snagged lunch at Mellow Yellow. Good food. Bad Policies. No split checks. Could only pay 2 separate ways on the unsplit check. 1 Credit Card and the rest cash or 2 Credit Cards. Ugh.

Something that has come up today is my sarcasm. I honestly don’t mean it in a mean way, like the opposite way actually. The more I like you the more sarcastic jokes I’ll say. But people don’t know that. So I am anti-encouraging when I need to be uber-encouraging. So lets hope Jesus does what he says he does (which luckily enough is the safest bet ever) and can change hearts. So please pray for me about that. I got really down about it tonight. So honestly I’d appreciate it a lot.